Weekends are fun
2 girls and a blog got together for a BBQ yesterday at Velma's house! It was unexpected fun (don't take the
unexpected part personal Velma).
We learned a game called "Three die". The older folk taught us and the one and only
Mealone won $6 and some change(may not be much to you but guess who paid her own way into the club that night?????). It(the game) was being hosted by a husband/wife hustle team. The yoked us into the game but conveinetly won 2 out of 6 games (MAFIA). So basic. So FUN! Anyone can win (uh-huh).
Anyway the highlights of the night where:
Lil Magic and her cheering.
Birthday girl being all friendly (still don't understand, they must have slipped her Mike's Hard Lemonade)
Mealone riding the horse(literally!).
"Someone" trying to front as usual.
Velma and hubby reenacting
"What's love got to do with it" and making us laugh to tears!
A certain tall man referred to as "Giraffe" trying to holla at anything.....
Moosh getting punked by the
leader of the "3 die"
gambit.
Getting lost in upstate NY.
Getting invited on a yacht......and later finding out it was a
tugboat of a
married man who was
married to a female cop(you know the females on the force are nutso-are you trying to get us killed?).
Listening intensly to Velma's grandpa and realizing he is more interesting than half of the people at the party combined.
Listening to Velma's friend complain about above.
WTF? How are keeping this guy in jail? According to the (AP):
Joran van der Sloot, 17, the only person who remains jailed in the case, has admitted he spent part of the evening with her. He has said through his family and lawyers that he had nothing to do with her disappears.
I need to really ante up on my studies, hurry the f*ck up and become a lawyer. This is absolute bullshit. I would walk right into that courtroom and say "Judge, I found the missing teen from Texas, may I present the court with the evidence?"
The judge would say "Who are you?" we would go back and forth for a while determining my credibility and then I would furnish this picture:
Voila..............Case closed! *
I take a bow*
This is
waaaaay better than the
strand of hair on duck tape bullshit (
which incidentally was not hers but I do have a suspicion it was one of her friends who set her up).
Look at the legs! They are white! It's her.....
Things You Would Never Know Without The Movies -from some random website?
I know this is old but it's still funny!During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a
strip club at least once.
All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a
passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the
armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying
beside her.
All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French
Bread.
It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in
the control tower to talk you down.
Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba
diving.
The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding
place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you
can travel to any other part of the building you want without
difficulty.
If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more
ammunition - even if you haven't been carrying any before now.
You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you
make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart
back home.
Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will
not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or
killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade
or his forthcoming art exhibition.
The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating
but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown
through it before long.
The Chief of Police is always black. (
2 girls wonder why this is so??)When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out
a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always
be the exact fare.
Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from
elsewhere in the universe.
Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at
night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
(2 girls thinks this always takes place before some sort of abduction) If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any
strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
(2 girls knows that real women do not go towards danger) Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family
every morning even though their husband and children never have
time to eat it.(
2GAAB never understood that or why the Ingalls made so much production over potatoes and lamb?)Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red
readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
(2 Girls laughs out loud) Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the
communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight
involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to
attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner
until you have knocked out their predecessors.
(1 of 2 Girls hates Steven Seagal) When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they
will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to
each other.
Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds
- unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped
inside.
Size DOES Matter
So you ask a man....."Tell me something about yourself" and he answers "I am really packing, or so the ladies tell me".
So the fuck what?According to
I Village(UK):
Many myths surround the male genitalia. Black men are always massive, oriental men have penises the size of cocktail sausages and Dutch men can keep going for days.
2 Girls and a Blog says:
1.) Black men are not
always massive( although the majority of them have 7" or more (with a circumference of about 5".......damn!). But that's why they have the biggest "penis size" complex out of all the men.
2.) I have yet to see an oriental porn where they are "well hung". I hope someone can prove me wrong.
3.)Dutch men can go on for days???? Nice........very nice.............
Here is something interesting that no one talks about:
Yes, a penis can be too large for your comfort, and the size may cause friction or other types of pain. The average circumference of a human male's erect penis is
12.3 centimetres (4.85 inches)When a woman complains about her partner's penis being too small, it often reflects a problem with girth rather than length.
The moral of 2 Girls and a Blog : It doesn't matter how low you hang if you have a skinny dick.
I was reading
I Village (great site) and they list the negative side of having sex on the beach (not the drink either).
Why must people be such killjoys? First of all, if you have sex on the beach you are
NOT going to be thinking about this crap, but here ya go:
Can having sex in salt water irritate tender tissues? I village says:If there's lots of sand suspended in the water, however, friction may cause discomfort. Bear in mind that some countries have strict regulations about sex in public places, so check by-laws and ensure total privacy if you don't want to spend your holiday in the local clink.
2 Girls and a Blog says: Having sex in the ocean should elimate the need to wash the sperm off of you stomach, face or wherever you like it shot. The salt water is also a cleanser so you don't have to worry about soap. NEXT.....
Can sex in the sand cause the equivalent of rug burns? I Village says:Sand can easily be introduced into the vagina during sex on the beach which can lead to irritation and soreness.
2 Girls and a Blog says:More soreness? Oooh baby. Slap it up, flip it, rub it down!
Why does alcohol lower my inhibitions?I Village says: Alcohol is a sedative, and has a depressant action on the central nervous system and damps down your usual protective psychological and social inhibitions. Although this may make you feel euphoric and dynamic, it will affect your judgement, even on things like deciding when you've been in the sun too long, whether you are drinking enough water, as well as common sense decisions on sex issues. And on top of that, in small quantities, alcohol is an aphrodisiac - but only for women, it seems. After drinking two units of alcohol, female testosterone levels rise one to two hours later. In larger quantities, however, alcohol lowers oestrogen and testosterone levels so you may feel less sexy as the night wears on.
2 Girls and a Blog says:: Why do you think they have a drink by this name????? How do you expect to f*ck in the ocean and get sand in your crotch if you don't drink? No sober person does that! Now go work on having sex on the beach!
Prude women... is there such a thing??
From my 26 years of being a women i have never been a prude or encountered one. i really want to know if they really exist? and im not talking about nuns because they go in a whole other catagory. i know some girls who say im looking for a man to settle down with, i dont just sleep around. right... cause we can believe that. next thing you know they encounter one hot guy or even just a plain guy and they are all up on it. once they get that one bit of attention they cant control themselves. then its the jump-off that they dont want to discuss or they get "offended" when you ask how the sex is or was he big. but they would be willing to ask you any question about your sex life. dont try to act like you aint got your own shit going on! cause you know you do. just say it! we are all alike. its not like its ya husband or anything its a freakin jump-off so go with it. have some fun like its supposed to be. so for all you
PRUDE women out there....GIVE IT UP! we are so on to you.
Sittin' here, eatin' my heart out waitin'
waitin' for some lover to call
dialed about a thousand numbers lately
almost rang the phone off the wall
-"Hot stuff" by Donna Summer
Wow, this summer is off the hook. Everyone is
hot,
horny,and just
talking about sex. It's enough to make a celibate (sometimes by choice and sometimes by circumstance) person want to
do something like grab the nearest man and go crazy.
NOTE: If you like ADULT MOVIES and appreciate a quality flick please sign this (click here ->)
petition (Just sign!)
If you need the whole story go to
Spider's webpage.
I was just reading one of the comments by a waitress on the above web site and learned a few things.......
I guess I have been living in the dark ages because I (like many of the other customers) thought that the average tip was 10 to 15% (I generally tip between 15 to 20% as I love to pay for good service)
I love eating out but more so, eating in (Room service)
When I travel, I make sure the hotel has room service, especailly 24 hour service.
While on vaction I don't want to have to adhere to the rules and times of the resort i'm at, hell I paid good money to be there, why should I have to? I generally do all inclusive resorts but still tip EVERYDAY for meals, drinks at the bar and housekeeping. The brochures always say "tipping is not permitted" but who the hell is stopping you??? Not the workers who probably look forward to the tips! I figured out that my last trip cost me about $500 per day at this 4 star resort (I've been to better--it was nice, but not all that) Anyway. it annoys me sometimes when they "expect you to tip"; I mean it's my prerogative whether or not I do so, this is why we do all-inclusive vacations so we don't have to carry money around. I've even heard comments like "well you rich American I just a poor worker" from a guy Who owned a store I went to buy a souvenierfrom, where he owed me $5 change and wouldn't give it to me (flucker).
I scrape togehter money or have the government tax me as if I'm single at a higher rate so I get a larger sum back at the end of the year and use
that money for vacation--I couldn't save it any other way.
So basically I am your average Joe who lives paycheck to paycheck, i just indulge once a year for vacation.
That was the Dominican. In Mexico, I tipped houekeeping everyday, mind you it wasn't a large sum (between $2 and $5.00 and $10 on the last day as my room was always neat and nothing got stolen-I also left a new pair of leather sandals that I hadn't worn, i figured someone could get use out of them) So it added up to about $20.00. To my surprise upon check out, someone (who else could it be) had made long distance phone calls from our room to freaking Texas and they were trying to stick me with the bill. It was not my bunk mate as we went to breakfast at the same time togehter everyday and the calls were made during
that time!!! You little flucking ingrate!!
As far as restaurants are concerned, I hate shitty service and that is one of my biggest pet peeves!!
I'm not asking you to kiss my azz and compliment me (you don't have to say anything outside of "Are you ready to order" and what would you like")
Just be courteous, swift and not rude!!
You opted to take that damn job,
maybe you had to,
I don't know.
I promise to tip you well , I swear, but don't
roll up to my table with an attitude just because I ask you for a clean freaking fork, come on, would you eat off of a fork with dried egg on it?
I always pay attention when it's time to pay the bill just so the waiter/waitress doesn't get a crappy tip, especially if I want to frequent that restaurant again.
Believe me,
I got chu!! ............although I had to stop going to a particular restaurant on route 17 in Jersey for a minute because the waiter was stalking us for the tip and then got loud (in Korean/Chinese, not sure which) because my other compadres walked out without leaving one.
The only part we understood was "
Everytime #$@ %$# &^%$" He was a jerk and I would have left a good tip but he was hovering to see what we would leave, he made me uncomfortable and that was the third time he did it
(he was trying to punk me--I couldn't have that!! He had already punked me twice in the past for a better tip).
The average soda and buffett is like $7.00 so I figured $1 per person, sometimes one extra just because.. it's a freaking
Buffet, bitch,
I served my damn self, you brought over a freaking soda with ice!!
Calm the fluck down with your "
Everytime"
He's still there and when we go back, we look for him and say "
there goes Everytime"
I like to avoid him as I don't want spittle in my ice (Big up to Ms Seally from the Color Purple)
CHRONICLES of Ridicule (Part I)
Let me give you the scoop
courtesy of Yahoo"Hello, Peter. What's happening? We need to talk about your TPS reports. Yeah. Uh, did you get that memo?
"Yeah. The coversheet. I know, I know. Uh, Bill talked to me about it."
"Yeah. I got the memo. And I understand the policy. The problem is, I just forgot this one time. And I've already taken care of it so it's not even a problem anymore."
"Yeah. It's just that we're putting new coversheets on all the TPS reports *before* they go out now. So if you could just remember to do that from now on, that'd be great. All right!"
So he pulls us all in a "
quickie" (please familiarize these terms since they play an essential part to this story) meeting. We go in but half-heartedly. What could he possibly tell us? He doesn't even know how to use our system. If he can sign on we would be proud of him
(well slightly, it's like giving hungry people knives......they will envision you on a roll or roasting spit).
The meeting was to throw an idea on the table for
opinions
on the option to keep our current corporate hours or get the choice to come in midday and leave at an ungodly hour when most people are sleeping, sexing or drinking(
yeah okay).
SILENCE(pretend to give it consideration).........ummmm
NO.
(Summer) School Bus Drivers
Move bus!
courtesy of GoogleThere are nice school bus drivers who keep our children safe and get them to school in one piece. I like them. then there are the OTHERS!!!
I understand why one must stop for a stopped school bus--it's a safety issue.
But once that damn brat is safely ON THE BUS, reel in the freaking stop sign and let me pass!!! WTF?? They are already on the damn bus, what in the hell am I waiting for?
Is there a possibility that they might bolt like Sea Bisquit out the back of the bus through the emergency exit and into the street?? Unless they are psycho, I don't believe so.
These drivers are sadistic and power hungry and love to have us at their beck and call. I must have waited for atleast 2 or 3 minutes. Not a long time, you say?? It's not if you are waiting for popcorn to pop or if you are waiting for the teller to send back the cannister with your hard earnings in it. That's pretty reasonable......but
what if you had to hold your breath for 3 minutes?!!! you know that in that amount of time you could have:
gotten out of your car
strapped little johnny in your damn self
got back in your car and driven away!!!!!
He just
sauntered up to the bus as if he were walking up the red carpet and had all damn day and no one was waiting on his azz!! but I don't blame him(totally), I blame the driver.
I loooooove the (regular) bus drivers in my neighborhood (no homo)!! (Big up to Gwen and Barbara Ann) they close the doors immediately after little johnny or Sara gets on the bus and sometimes drive away as the kids are wlaking towards their seat (you little monkeys better learn to be quicker) is this safe? probably not.. but they haven't injured any of my brats yet!! The regular drivers on my kids' route get a gift for Christmas and another one at the end of the year!!
Keep it moving you other fluckers!!!
Velma's in the house!!
Thanks for the invite ladies!! I've gots lot's to talk about. Can we talk about the condom wrapper I found on the floor in the conference room at work??? Who is gettin' busy at work?? Why would you run the risk of getting caught??
A STORY ABOUT A MAN'S EGO
A couple of months ago a bunch of friends and I went to this club. one of my friends brought one of his friends who we will call
chewy. we were all hanging out and chillin. well
chewy decides to ask my friend to take a walk to his car for some smoke and talk. the smoking ended and
chewy decides to take his penis out of his pants and show it to her. WHAT?? she was not asking for that. she took one look at it and said
so. he was acting like he was really proud of it or something. she told him it was NOTHING impressive and his reaction.... "well its cold outside". ok we all know what happens to men when its cold out but c'mon did you have to whip it out in the middle of your car?? no thanks! next time leave it where it belongs and you will not have to make up excuses as to why it was nothing she wanted to hop right onto.
No jump off
